The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
