i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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