Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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