he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
