ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
