Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
this hospital has no fireball
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
