We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize