My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
