Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
