Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
