i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
