So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
