Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
COCAINE IS GR8
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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