there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
