Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize