i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
