alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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