buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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