And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
