is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize