She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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