Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
