i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
