oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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