The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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