I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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