I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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