I met the friendliest cop last night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
