i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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