Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
