i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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