Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
