How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize