Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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