he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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