Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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