Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
