Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
