i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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