I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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