I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
