my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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