please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
