My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
