he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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