I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize