Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
