I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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