I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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