They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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