if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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