so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
