You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
