I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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