Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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