i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
