I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
