I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
