my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
