When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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