We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
from now on my penis is your penis
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
