I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
