I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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