So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
