Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
