You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
