Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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