in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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