I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
